


i can't trust anyone

by themadtilde



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Episode 9: Rise Up, Jace and Iz are sort of assholes, Oneshot, Other, aka the episode of heartbreak, alec is a bit ooc, and his own feelings, but i needed to get this out ok, cause he actually voices his opinions, like seriously just alec-feels, only Alec-feels, s01 e09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-10
Updated: 2016-03-10
Packaged: 2018-05-25 23:14:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6214006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themadtilde/pseuds/themadtilde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ok so i am so angry and annoyed with jace and iz judging and looking down on alec for his every decision, while whining and complaining how THEIR life is horrible, without even realizing that alec's doing it all for them, sacrificing everything for their well-being.</p><p>basically Alec's reaction when he realizes the cup is gone and that almost everyone he knew betrayed him.</p><p>UPDATED with even more indirect Clary-bashing. Sorry Clary, I do like you. But right now, you are one selfish bastard.</p><p>NEW: Many of you have asked for some sort of sequel or different POVs on this, but I don't think I will continue. Partly because it's very difficult to capture the tv show-traits, partly because I don't think a sequel would turn out well. Thank you for your feedback, anyways! :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	i can't trust anyone

**Author's Note:**

> **PLEASE READ THIS ENTIRE NOTE ******  
> First off, I have mixed American and British English cause I don't really know the difference.  
>  This is unbeta'd so possible mistakes are here.
> 
> And this is CANON DIVERGENCE, meaning it won't follow the plot of the show entirely.
> 
> And I know Alec is a very much OOC, with him voicing his opinion and asking if anyone ever cared for him.  
> But I'm just so fed up with Jace and Izzy's blindness and recklessness, ok? I needed to say this after episode 9
> 
> OOOH and when reading this, please try to imagine the characters from the show! I wrote more dialogue and focused more on tv show-alec etc than their original characters in the books.

Alec stared before him, crouching on the floor. His mind was frozen and he breathed sharply. He didn’t want to believe what he saw, but no matter how many times he blinked and shook his head, the space before him remained empty.

The Cup was gone.

Slowly standing up and closing the hideout for the Cup, Alec took a slow step back. He was starting to understand.

To open and get the Cup, one needed Alec’s stele.

Someone had taken Alec’s stele.

Alec closed his eyes. _No_.

He turned slightly, and saw Magnus’ at the entrance, still checking over the wards. The warlock seemed genuinely unconcerned, but there was something in his movements. He refused to look at Alec.

Of course, he had seen Magnus’ reaction to his engagement with Lydia, and he couldn’t fully understand why the warlock seemed so sour for that. (Deep inside, he had a vague clue to why, but he refused to acknowledge it.) But the way Magnus refused to look into his eyes … as if ashamed of something. As if … regretting something.

It struck Alec, and he stumbled backwards.

 _No_.

It couldn’t be … Magnus’ couldn’t possibly have taken his stele and given it to Jace and Isabelle.

Not Magnus.

Alec shook his head, trying to clear it. But everything puzzled together suddenly; why Magnus stood outside his door, why he refused to look at Alec, and how Jace and Isabelle had managed to get a hold of the cup.

But … not Magnus. Not the one he really thought he could trust.

Alec bit his lip, and felt a stinging feeling in his chest. He recognized this feeling though - he had felt it when he battled Jace, when he realized him, Izzy and Clary had been plotting against him.

It was betrayal.

He nearly fell backwards, head spinning.

_Please, don’t let it be true._

_Please, let me have one person to trust._

_Just one._

 

His dumbstruck condition was interrupted by the sound of heels clicking behind him. He turned, trying to seem focused and cold when he saw his sister, with Jace behind her.

“Alec, what the hell is wrong with you?” she hissed angrily, flipping her hair over her shoulder.

Alec didn’t want to answer this question again, and just looked at her. 

His little sister, always so fierce, protective and impulsive. His sister, who used to braid his hair in tiny braids and then demand to learn about every rune possible.

His sister, who even went against him.

“Iz” he said, but didn’t continue. What did he have to say?

Isabelle stalked up to him, hands on her hips.

“Taking Meliorn as a prisoner? Fighting Jace? Marrying Lydia? Alec, I don’t know what’s happened to you, but you are not being yourself. I don’t know why you’re acting this way, so please tell me!”

Alec looked over his shoulder, and saw Magnus looking at them. Once again, he realized how many that actually had betrayed and lied to him.

His parents. His sister. His very own parabatai. And Magnus … who he didn’t know what to call, but it still hurt him surprisingly much.

“Isabelle, there’s nothing wrong with me” said he lowly, not looking at her. This seemed to fuel Jace, because he spoke up:

“Nothing’s wrong with you? Alec, right now everything’s wrong with you! Saying no to fight with your own family? You’ve always said family’s the most important thing in the world, and-”

“It is!” Alec yelled, causing Jace to wince by his sudden outburst. “Family is the most important thing! I’m doing everything for you!”

“Oh, you are?” Jace shouted, and gained attention of almost everyone in the Institute. “Then oh so tell me, Alec, exactly how are you helping us?”

Alec lowered his voice, but the fury in it was hard to suppress. It was just ... it was just too much. Too many emotions that he had tried to shut down, and they all bubbled up to the surface now.

“Are you seriously not realizing it? Are you so blinded by Clary that you’ve forgotten everything the Clave told us? Everything that being a Shadowhunter means?”

Jace breathed quickly, and Isabelle answered for him.

“The question, Alec, is if _you_ have forgotten it! Think over your actions! Shadowhunters are here to protect mundanes, not to start unneccessary fights with Downworlders!”

Alec took a step back.

“Think over my actions? You tell _me_ to think over my actions? How about _you_ should think over _both_ yours and _mine_  actions! Don’t you understand why I’m doing this?”

“No, we don’t!” Isabelle screamed. “We _don’t_ , Alec, that’s the thing! We _don’t_ understand!”

“Because you’re not trying to!” shouted Alec, suddenly driven forward by all hate, all fear and all rejection he had felt. “You’re not _trying_ to understand me, Iz! Not you, not Jace, not our parents. You are all so focused on helping Clary and stopping Valentine that you’ve forgotten every other duty!”

“Alec” said Jace, calming down a little, “I don’t want this in front of everyone. But stopping Valentine is the most important thing right now. A war is coming. How can you not see it?”

Alec nearly choked on his own tongue.

“Valentine is important! And so is the Clave!” he emphasized. “You are all looking past the Clave and the rules for Shadowhunters. As soon as Clary calls, you all run away to help her, defying every law of the Clave!”

Jace’s eyes widened at the mention of Clary, and Alec knew he had hit a weak spot.

“Screw the Clave!” Jace hissed, but Alec cut him off.

“That’s the thing Jace! You can’t just _screw the Clave_! It hasn’t ever mattered to you, what the Clave thinks. Not since Clary came. You think that Clary’s some sort of excuse to defy all the laws, but she isn’t! Do you even know why Lydia’s here?”

“We’ve been told-”

“But you’ve clearly not understood! Every reckless mission you’ve went on - that is why Lydia’s here! That is why the Clave saw us as untrustworthy, why they felt the need to send someone else here to take charge since I couldn’t handle it. And here’s the thing: I’m sick of getting punished by your actions, while you get away unscathed! You think no one's getting punished. You think no one has to take the blame for your behaviour. That all your wrongdoings just swirls up in the air and disappears. But it doesn't! Someone has to take the blame, someone must clean up after your mess, and that person is always me!

It’s one thing when you don’t have a choice - if it had been about saving your lives, I would gladly have sacrificed myself. You know that; I'd do anything to save you. But this isn’t about your life, it’s about you blindly trusting that mundane girl!”

Jace stared at him, but seemed for once at loss for words.

Alec stilled his breathing, not used to screaming. Not used to voicing his opinion.

“Why do you think I proposed to Lydia?” he whispered, voice suddenly shaky. “Why do you think I proposed to her? Because I love her?”

Izzy drew a sharp breath.

“No, because marrying her would mean that we would together rule the Institute. If I ruled the Institute, then I could protect you! You’re not seeing the whole picture here! What do you think happens if Lydia or someone else, someone we don’t even know of, is put in charge for the Institute?

Do you realize how badly you can get punished for running away on missions like that? You’ve escaped trials and punishments so far, but that is because my parents and I are in charge! We have a weak spot for you, but not everyone has! And sooner or later, you’ll have to face the consequenses. And …”

His voice cracked a little, “and I don’t want that. You said it yourself, Jace. Family is the most important thing in life. And this is the only way I can protect you. Because I’m the older brother. I am supposed to look out for you. But … but if you keep doing this, if you keep playing with death and the Clave … eventually, I won’t be able to look out for you. I … wouldn’t be able to protect you.

You said 'my life to ruin', Iz. More like 'my life to sacrifice.'”

Alec paused and looked at his feet. He was aware that the whole Institute probably had heard his ranting, but he was too tired to care. _Too … tired._

 _"_ The reason I'm so against Clary isn't only because I dislike her personally. Do you really think I am so cold-hearted, Jace? In one way, I do want her to find her mother. But when I have to pay the price for everything? No. Then I don't. Clary says 'it doesn't matter. I will do anything to save my mother'. That's sweet, it really is. But she doesn't care about us, Jace! She doesn't care about how this is affecting us, or rather me! Since you and Izzy keep whining about poor Simon who's a vampire and poor Jocelyn who's gone, she just assumes that I am the one doing the wrong thing here! That I just don't want her to find her mother because of some stupid reason. But maybe, just maybe, it's because she puts our entire family in danger!"

"Clary does not-" 

"But she does! It's just you who don't realize it, because I've been cleaning up and covering for you each time! Each, goddamn, time, Jace! But I'm tired of it. I don't know what to do ... but I can't protect you against the Clave anymore. You will all get punished. Maybe taken to the Silent City. Those punishment that usually are earned when you defy and break the law like you've done. Because this time ... this time, I can't let you run away again. It's not within my control anymore."

Silence. 

"Do you think it's just sheer luck that the Clave hasn't done anything serious yet? That they somehow choose to ignore your law breaking due to, I don't know, your name or just your skills? The Clave isn't merciful, you know that. The only _stupid reason to why you're still here, is because I've covered your tracks!"_

Alec ended his argument with a shout, before his throat went dry and he coughed a little.

“Alec, please …” Jace took a shaky breath, and Izzy looked at her brother with a pained look in her eyes.

Alec shook his head. “No. Don’t,” he told them, voice raspy. “Just … don’t. I’m too tired, okay? I’m too tired to balance everything … to keep everything in check.”

Jace looked like he wanted to protest, but silenced. Alec's words seemed to have almost reached through him, but he was still resistant.

“Just … tell me” whispered Alec, looking up. “Why … why did you betray me like that?”

Jace and Izzy started, but Alec added: “Why did you convince Magnus to betray me?”

He didn’t have to turn around to know that the warlock had frozen in his movements.

Looking at his siblings with a broken look, Alec whispered:

“Why did you do it?”

“Alec …” Isabelle swallowed and seemed to be close to crying. “Alec, please, we didn’t…”

“ _Why_?” Alec demanded, raising his voice and causing Izzy to flinch.

“Alec, we had to.”

“Had to what? Destroy the faith I had in you left? Destroy my faith in Magnus? Completely ruin my faith in anyone?”

Alec’s look turned into a kicked puppy’s, but without the begging look.

“Alec, we never … it was only ...” Jace began, but Alec shook his head.

“I don’t care what you meant to, Jace. Why did you do it? Why did you have to ruin everything for me? And why can’t you ever pause in your running, look back at your parabatai and think about how this is affecting him? Why didn’t you _ever. Listen. To anything. I ever said?_ ”

Jace looked stunned, and Alec broke. He didn’t want to - he couldn’t see his siblings now. Couldn’t look them in the eyes, see the guilt in them. And he couldn't handle guilt he felt himself - for being so selfish, for voicing his partly selfish opinions.

And he couldn’t look at Magnus.

“No one” he whispered, mostly to himself. “I have no one now.”

Pause.

“I can’t trust anyone.”

Izzy opened her mouth to protest, her eyes pleading and begging. But Alec was faster.

“Not anyone. Not my own siblings.”

He raked a hand through his sweaty hair, and forced himself to turn and look at Magnus. Bracing himself, he met Magnus’ cat eyes. The warlock seemed just as stunned and shocked as Izzy and Jace, and he stared at Alec.

“Not … not even you” said Alec, voice shaking. “Not even you.”

Magnus moved a little. “Alexander …”

“No!” Alec raised his hands, covering his ears. “Don’t. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t …”

He took a deep breath, and looked around. His mind was spinning. Vision blurring. He saw Jace’s shocked face, Izzy’s concerned one. The curious looks of all the others in the Institute.

And the heartbroken look on Magnus’ face.

“I don’t … want to be here. Not now.”

He nearly fell over as he stumbled out from the Institute.

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me if I've gotten anything wrong! Like, if some rules are wrong, or if the timeline is strange etc. Anything I might've screwed up.  
> Take a half second to press on one button and leave a kudos? Like, on fanfiction.net, you have to WRITE something in the review (well, you can 'favourite' the story too) and i'm often too lazy to write something, but it's easier here where you can simply click on a button and DONE.  
> Also, please leave a comment if you want :)
> 
> Edit: Thank you for all the amazing comments I've gotten! I would reply to them all, but I still haven't worked out how to turn off that thing when ao3 counts your own comments as well. But I do read every one of your comments, and then I reread them, because they make me so happy! Thanks!


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